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My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ...I sent it anyways.
Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who the heck is giving them medical attention?!
I have a disease called AWESOME...You don`t understand it since you don`t have it.
I thought Row vs. Wade was Washington`s decision when he reached the Delaware.
Why do people who insult themselves get mad when you agree with them?
Honk if you are reading this.
My taste in music ranges from, "You need to listen to this" to "I know, please don`t judge me."
I´ve always wondered if film directors wake up screaming "CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!" when they have nightmares.
If a girl bangs ten dudes in a year she is a slut. If a guy done he`s gay. Definitely gay.
This job fair sucks... They don`t have one F*cking ride...
I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
I automatically classify anything over $5 as expensive.
Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
boss: why are you peeing on the floor? mikeski: i already filled up your coffee cup.
*spits out animal cracker* This doesn`t even taste like hippo.