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real eyes realize real lies
Bitches be trippin..... ok, maybe I pushed that one.
Do bees even have knees?
My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn`t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Why do guys go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. There`s like 10 women to each man and they`re already there looking for things they don`t need.
I don’t like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
I was like "No, Pepsi is NOT ok. I wanted a Coke." And she was all "Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies."
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said “too ugly to prostitute”
Tell a girl she pretty she`ll believe it for a minute. Tell a girl she has Miley Cyrus` butt she`ll believe it for a lifetime
All fortune cookies should just read, "You will have diarrhea for the next 24 hours.
Walmart does not have a dildo section. But it`s always fun to ask their employees if they do.
When your world is falling apart, when it seems like things can`t get any worse, please remember...I don`t give a s$it.
The only way to communicate with a drunk person is to get hammered too.