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Ladies - I am still available as a great last minute Christmas gift!
Why go to a therapist when a woman will explain everything wrong about you free of charge?
what if the princess wants to be with bowser, but mario keeps kidnapping her
Birth Control Pills should be for men. It makes much more sense to unload a gun than to shoot at a bulletproof vest.
I`m 42 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
The "best part of waking up" doesn`t even make sense.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, "Oh c`mon...even I`ve done THAT!"
Somehow I`m not nearly as overjoyed with this vegetable slicer as the woman on the infomercial was.
a walk in the woods helps me to relax and release tension the fact that I`m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant.
LIKE if you hide your favorite food from your family
Surveys say 1 out of every 2 people suck at math. It`s terrible that 80% of the population can`t even do the easiest calculations.
Better late than pregnant.
Volleyball = A more intense version of don`t let the balloon hit the floor.
Whenever a wrong number calls me and hangs up I always call em back and tell them it was their loss because I`m really fun to talk to.
That awkward moment when you can’t tell if it’s a Halloween costume or their regular clothes…