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Just seen a sign reading "PAY ATTENTION WHILE WALKING your Facebook status update can wait". While on Facebook on my phone. While walking...
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Laugh now, but at the rate they are reproducing, the people of Walmart may one day take over the world
I`m not Unemployed, I`m just taking my next job`s vacation in advance...
I bet you 20 dollas I`m broke
If you play my workday backwards, it’s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
My mom says I`m special.
After midnight, clowns aren`t funny.
Announcement: .. the Time Travelers Meeting scheduled for today will be held last Thursday
Well, today was a complete waste of clean clothes.
I miss my ex a lot... but my aim is getting better.
Some people`s lives are like open books... Mine is like a trashcan without a lid.
Shot my first turkey today...scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome!
I’m in big trouble if my coworkers find out that I really don’t have Tourette’s
Whenever I see a woman breastfeeding in public, my first reaction is to get in line.