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I heard someone say their podcast was on "hiatus", guess that sounds better than "my mom took away my laptop".
I`ll be thankful when this thankful month is over.
If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to load a dishwasher, may I suggest marriage.
You have got to have worse hand-eye coordination than a lama on crack
Like my therapist always says, "I`m not your therapist, you`re just laying on a couch in Ikea"
I am pretty sure dry cleaning is a scam where they just laugh and rub money on your clothes then hang them back up in a plastic bag.
Whoever said the camera adds 10 pounds should stop eating cameras.
Yes, I streaked once on a dare ... all the rest of the times though were just for fun
Tattoos are an expensive and painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it`s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to "grow up," I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
Ironman and Batman`s only super powers is being super rich and smart really makes Bill Gates a real disappointment.
Breast awareness month: we stare because we care
No one answers their phones anymore... If I ever get arrested, I don`t want a damn phone call, I want a facebook posting.
If you can`t handle me at my worst, then that sucks because that`s all there is to me.