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I`m thinking about investing some serious cash in gold....or maybe some other color.
I regret nothing but mostly because I can`t remember most of the stuff I should probably regret
I should probably eat this entire bag of Oreos tonight since they`re going to expire in 2017.
Today please just pretend I wrote something hilarious, click like, and move on down the news feed.
My bank is the worst. They`re charging me money for not having enough money in my account. Apparently, I can`t even afford to be broke.
Hey bill collectors, nice try, but I don`t even call back people I know.
Just completed a 0.00 mile run - preceded by 11 oreo cookies
Tattoos are an expensive and a painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification
If I were a pilot I would scream “WE’RE GOING DOWN” every time I landed the plane.
"If Donald Duck doesn`t have to wear pants than neither do I!"- Me getting drunk at Disney World.
Sidenote #2: Always have your middle finger ready on standby.
Me: I`m hungry. Fridge: I don`t give a sh*t. Cabinet: B*tch, don`t look at me. Freezer: Lol, you like ice? :-)
Most of happiness just comes from staying away from idiots.
Alcohol – The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance “medicine.”
The only good thing about being an alcoholic is that no one ever asks me to drive them anywhere.