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It`s not so much that I wanted to drink the whole bottle of wine, I just couldn`t figure out how to get the cork back in it.
I order all my food with extra gluten.
Ok honey don’t freak out, but someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn’t do the dishes.
I almost got raped in jail last night. My family takes Monopoly very seriously.
I hate when people see me at the store and are like "Hey, what are you doing?" I`m like "Oh you know, hunting elephants."
I’m drinking while I work out…I call it Bacardio.
Dr. Seuss could have been the greatest rapper ever.
When you drink alcohol you are just borrowing happiness from tomorrow.
I wonder whether I can trust doctors with dead plants in the waiting room.
It`s funny how this guy grating cheese over my pasta thinks I`m going to say stop.
Its all fun and games until someone drinks the beer with the cigarette butts in it..
I’m off for a quiet beer. Followed by fourteen noisy ones.
Ran into a former supervisor from my last job today, kept driving.
The point is... Is Imma hug you like a panda nd you`re gunna like it.!(: