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SCARY BUT TRUE: statistics show that everyone who’s ever used a cell phone will die
Never judge a man ’till you’ve driven a mile with his wife.
Guys... If the girl your getting down with doesn`t even have time to fake an orgasm..... It`s prob best you just make your sandwich
I just wanted you all to know that I`m leaving Facebook. The ride has been a blast and I`ve made a ton of friends. Your humor and wit is amazing. I`ll miss all of u, but I`ve decided I need to spend more time with my family...so see you after breakfast!!
Something I never said as a kid: My book stopped working.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
My car broke down outside a massage parlor on today ... And again tomorrow.
Everyone knows spray tans and Tang come from the same stem cells as Cheetos, so why does Wikipedia keep deleting my edits?
my friends status was "standing on the edge of a cliff" ... so I poked him
You laugh because you think it’s a joke. I laugh because you think I’m joking.
According to my fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.
Someday, the time I waste deciding what to watch on Netflix will be shorter than the actual time watching it
It`s hard to write a good drinking song. I can never make it past the first few bars.
Running behind is my cardio.
It`s not you, it`s me. I can`t stand you.