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My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
What idiot decided to call them marijuana dispensaries and not grass stations?
You`re the reason why I believe in condoms.
The average power nap is 20 minutes. This works out well because I can fit 3 of them evenly into one hour.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
A tattoo doesn’t tell you very much about a person, but where they put the tattoo does.
I don`t have a drinking problem ... I`m just really thirsty.
Studies show that people who want tribal tattoos are directly related to living under a rock
Life Insurance: Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money?
I`m paying my taxes with a smile, but they wrote me back saying they want cash.
I hate when reality happens outside of my head.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Whoever said paper beats rock is an idiot. Next time that happens, I`m gonna throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper.