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All I`m saying is one of us is right and the other one is you.
Doctors and scientists agree on the benefits of an afternoon nap, yet still my boss thinks he knows better. Ridiculous.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Just found out What the Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"
Here`s how I gained 27lbs of muscle in 5 weeks: Lying.
Most people don`t think I`m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Yes I am a bad boy ... But your the one that`s going to get spanked.
I can sum up my life in three words: “just browsing, thanks.”
My Ex-Wife: Our relationship is like being in prison! ME: I don’t think so. People have sex in prison.
If you haven`t used your fingers to "expand" a picture in a Magazine today, well then you`re not me.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don`t get married. If you are over 35, don`t get married. If you are 35, don`t get married.
All my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
If I was rich, I´d do nothing all day from a much nicer recliner.
It is impossible to simultaneously keep up a) hope and b) with the Kardashians.