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Men like football because the priorities in football are also the biggest priorities in every man’s life…. Scoring and Ball Security.
The patience I have for my kids is directly proportional to the amount of people watching me.
If by crunches you mean Captain Crunch cereal, then yes I do crunches.
This beer tastes like future mistakes.
Momma left strict instructions to knock you out.
Adulthood – Pros: You can now eat ice cream in bed. Cons: This will somehow make you sadder.
My internet went down last week...so I talked to my family....thank goodness the internet came back
Still waiting for the moment when there will be a "add to wishlist" button on people`s facebook profile !!
This looks like a job for Superman! -unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Just convinced my Mom she won`t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn`t see Teen Wolf first.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Someone tore off my warning label when I was born.
Just because I know I`m a "Good looking, extremely intelligent, funny as hell, sexy ass, Motherf#ker" doesn`t mean I`m "Conceited"...Im more like a "Realist", that just so happens to be very good with adjectives!...A "Bad-Ass Realist", that is!
Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid people
I got Mood Poisoning. Must have been something I hate.