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Do you guys dance in the shower too? This morning I did the robot! (I short circuited and stared at the wall for 40 minutes, broken)
Are you reading this from a toilet? I’m writing this from one.
Dear Santa, I would like a thin body and a fat bank account. Don’t mix it up this year!
Miley Cyrus could never live in the kind of cold we`re having here. Can you imagine all the poles her tounge would get stuck to?
This status is dedicated to whatever you’re ignoring in real life to read it.
My life is a result of "it seemed like a good idea at the time."
Taking my wife to a wife swapping party tonight… Hoping to get a PS4 in return.
Next time you see someone you don`t like, begin conversation with "I see the assassins have failed."
Carfax but for people
They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what! Who wants to be in a hurry?!?
I’m an organ donor, but I’m pretty sure all they’re going to use is my liver for “after” photos.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a Pilot...but apparently I was too young.
I just realized that Mr. Rogers had the first man-cave.
Just because I know I`m a "Good looking, extremely intelligent, funny as hell, sexy ass, Motherf#ker" doesn`t mean I`m "Conceited"...Im more like a "Realist", that just so happens to be very good with adjectives!...A "Bad-Ass Realist", that is!
The early bird gets the worm! So does the late bird. They all get worms all the time; there`s tons of those things. Relax, there will always be a lota worms......