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Whenever I see people doing sign language, I assume they are discussing the best way to murder the rest of us and steal our ears.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
My wife says "YOU`RE DRUNK!" like it is a bad thing.
I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
If you like to make love while listeninag to music, always choose live album. ..That way you`ll get an applause every 3 to 4 minutes. :)
I never said I was better than everyone else, just better than you.
You need a high five, in the face, with a chair.
Yes Officer, I carry a knife, but that`s just in case I find a cake.
"The Twilight Zone" makes me long for the days when you could smoke on a spaceship.
11th Commandment: Thou shall not gossip about other people’s lives when you are not doing any better yourself.
I wish more events in life involved dumping a cooler full of Gatorade on people.
I need more people like me in my life
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Days that I don’t have to care about my appearance are my favorite days.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonalds... Not funny, grow up.