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I`m going to stand outside. So, if anyone asks, I`m outstanding.
You know something bad is about to happen when someone says "Hold my beer and watch this."
Radio Shack has stayed in business with a name combining something no one buys anymore and a type of building no one wants to go into.
"I can`t wait to nail you later" *whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
This is the third time someone in Liam Neeson`s family has been abducted, they really need to stop leaving the house.
I have to hand it to people who lead a double life ... I can barely handle the one I have.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around.
The only thing worse than having it rain after you wash your car is have to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
My road to success is under construction and all the workers are out getting sh!tfaced.
I`ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I`m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Why are police men so strong? Because they hold up traffic.
I run a non-profit company. It`s not for a good cause or anything, I`m just not very good at business.
If your bf/gf tries to start a fight with you just say, "Please. Not during Toyotathon."
This Facebook is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.