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Let`s talk about how fabulous u think I am.
My girlfriend said she wasn`t impressed and felt she needed a man with at least 6 inches. So I folded it in half.
3 shots of vodka can erase 8 hours of rage in 15 minutes. That’s all the math you really need to know.
Relatives - Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too.
Thought cartoons were getting better. Turns out it was a news story about Justin Bieber.
Just bought a Ken doll. I don`t know what everyone`s talking about, you can`t read books on this thing.
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo, because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
drink beer ?? save water
Jesus said to love your neighbour like you love yourself. Thats a nice saying but if Martin from next door thinks he`s getting a handjob he can f*ck off!
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can`t do is pick up it`s own poop. You`re just a poop collector.
It`s Saturday morning. My neighbor has mowed his lawn AND weeded his garden. I`ve spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
My new dating profile just says "I`m tired of masturbating."
News flash! someone just found Carmon Sandiego!
I can either be on time or wearing pants. Pick one.
Doing something weird and thinking “this is why I’m single”.