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According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star, You`re actually a few million years late. That star is dead, just like your dreams.
Black Friday is the second closest thing to a zombie apocalypse except they want sales instead of brains.
I just burnt my tongue on my food. It made me realise that it’s the ones we love that hurt us the most.
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny and thin. It`s a public service really.
Ever wanna tell someone to shut the f*ck up even when they are not speaking
This beer tastes like I’m going to text you later.
Ermegerd! I WON EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH!!!!! Again! I love being self employed..
With so many things coming back in style, I can`t wait until morals and intelligence become a trend again.
Google must be a woman...it knows everything.
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I repaired my blow up doll with superglue.....that was an awkward trip to the emergency room (<>..<>)
I think I’m going to take a hot shower. It’s like a normal shower, but with me in it…
Fun Prank: Put $1000 in an envelope and mail it to me.
If Wendy`s think their square burgers are so awesome, why don`t they use square buns?
Another year has passed. I`ve just about given up on the Mayans.