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Vodka is just amazing water.
French people give me the crepes.
I left work in slow motion but it didn’t blow up behind me.
I keep myself in just good enough shape to outrun most women and small children during emergencies.. :|
The problem with some people is that they`re breathing.
Sorry to all my friends and family members who didn`t know I was a freak until they saw my likes and shares on Facebook.
"Friendzoned" should be a relationship status on Facebook.
I have never preheated an oven but I have pre-eaten a frozen pizza.
The worst part of quitting drinking is how few excuses you have for your behavior
Grown up pandas eat for 12 hours a day. In related news, it turns out I’m not fat. I’m a panda.
Some people repeat themselves when they`re drunk & some people repeat themselves when they`re drunk.
I have a drinking problem. When I tilt my head back to take a drink, I can’t see my computer screen.
They should make a "How It`s Made" episode on how "How It`s Made" is made.
I always hit the "no receipt" button at the ATM because I don`t need that negativity in my life.
"Always leave them wanting more" is my new mantra when paying bills.