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It`s okay, Web MD. I don`t really know what`s wrong with me either.
Silence is Golden, except when coming from children… Then you’d better go check to see what’s broken.
I hate when I text a girl "I love you" and she`s like "no you don`t." Like bitch, I just fapped to your profile picture, I think I`d know.
Research shows that, when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" ... He in fact did.
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing and they live for 150 years. Lesson learned.
Today is a great day. The mailman just delivered me an Iron Maiden cassette, which finally fulfills my Columbia House commitment.
I wish my bladder had a snooze button.
I`m giving up procrastination for Lent ... starting tomorrow.
I wonder if Earth makes fun of the Moon for having no life.
There`s a warning light on my dashboard of a vague exclamation point. It`s like when my girlfriend was mad at me and she wouldn`t say why.
The truth might set you free, but lying might keep you out of jail.
The reason swans mate for life is because they don`t talk.
Ask not what your father can do for you, but what you can do for your father. Happy Fathers Day!
They say do what you love & the money will follow. I love doing nothing. We`ll see.
You know how sometimes as you fall asleep your whole body jolts you awake? That`s a ghost finishing sex with you.