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I wish my kids came with a handbook.... Hardcover, preferably. So I have something to hit them with.
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator, where I couldn`t reach them. Then leave chemicals right under the sink.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more North.
Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a super-villain.
Sometimes I feel that I need someone special to complete me, but then I have a pizza and I`m like, "Nope. I`m good."
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around.
$100 for a dozen red what?! That`s a lot of money for a plant you can’t smoke.
Pregreening - creeping forward while waiting for a red light to change.
I attend weddings simply to hear them two beautiful words that bring so many happy people together...."Open Bar!!"
I don`t burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.
A panda never pays his bills, because he eats shoots and leaves!!!
Do you ever look through old pictures and wonder, “Where the hell did that shirt go?”
I don`t know karate, but I do know crazy, and I`m not afraid to use it.