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I`m going to be very disappointed if I go to England and nobody skips to the loo.
Life rarely hands me anything. Am I in the wrong line?
My inner child is a drunken whore
The biggest problem with two-faced people is, never knowing which face to slap first.
Went to the virgin islands, now they are just the islands.
My kid’s teacher told me my kid is obsessed with video games and that I need to work with her on it. I’m like I do. I’m player 2.
Slow dancing with a fat girl? More like moving a fridge by yourself.
One day I hope to understand the phrase "more money, more problems"
Agreeing to disagree is lame. Let’s agree to take turns slapping each other until one of us admits we were wrong.
Writing is a great career when people like hearing what you have to say but don`t want to look at you.
Remember ... I can always make it look like an accident.
I probably shouldn’t have driven home from the bar last night ... Especially as I walked there in the first place.
A new day : the possibilities, endless. the funds, insufficient.
I`m so lonely I drive around town with a coffee cup glued to the roof of my car just so people will wave at me.
I finally overcame my fear of skinny dipping. Unfortunately it cost me my YMCA membership.