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My wife is pissed at me again. Apparently I`m breathing wrong.
My bed has no frame and sits directly on the floor because under-bed monsters are just one less thing I have to worry about now.
Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart?
I`ve fallen down the stairs before. I don`t see what joy the Slinky gets out of it. That sh!t hurts.
I retired from being my brothers keeper when I realised that I was letting in goals that wouldn`t have scored if his post was empty
I should be cleaning and disinfecting the toilet bowl today cause I have a feeling I`ll be hunched over hugging it later tonight.
The generation of today are so allergic to everything, future wars will be fought by throwing bags of peanuts and cat hair at each other.
Go to China on honeymoon. Get intimate with Husband. Tell child that they were "Made in China."
boss- "You cant drink while your at work!" .. me- "Oh dont worry im not working!!"
Sometimes my life feels like a 40 year long episode of Punk`d...
As far as distractions go ... I like to think I`m a good one.
The hardest things about beginning any new relationship has got to be learning how to fart quietly again.
Beautiful people are more beautiful when surrounded by ugly people
I love how television has redefined the word `marathon` to the exact opposite of physical exercise
Our swear jar is always empty because of all the god damn foul mouthed thieves that live in this f*cking house.