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I love being married. It`s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
No one sees you when you`re kind, no one sees you when you do a nice thing, but all will see on you when you fart.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
some people just need a hug...around the neck...with a rope!!
Old meaning of sorry. "I won`t do it again." New meaning of sorry. "Damn I got caught, next time I need to be more careful."
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out?
I think once we get past the restraining orders, court dates, and the stalking charges we can really make this relationship work.
I`m curious: Do girls shake the gasoline nozzle when they`re taking it out of their cars too?
Momma didn`t raise no fool. I did this all on my own.
It’s what’s on the inside that counts, unless you’re talking about one of those hollow chocolate bunnies.
The best thing about the internet is knowledge. You have all this knowledge at your fingertips! And we get to share what we learn with others! Oh...wait a second. I forgot about porn. OK I take it back. PORN is the best thing about the internet!
Without coffee, I’m just a really tall 2 year old.
What if oxygen makes our voice really deep, and Helium just brings it back to normal?
Don`t judge a person for drinking; judge a person for not drinking. Those f*ckers are up to something.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee`s you`re buying it off of sure can.