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Don`t exercise ... fat people are harder to kidnap
I can totally relate to cranky elderly people. I mean you can only be nice for so long!
Some people wouldn`t understand irony if it beat them over the head with a helmet.
Now that Microsoft`s Steve Ballmer has bought the Clippers, I wonder if he will release a new version every few years that we all hate.
You laugh because I´m different. I laugh cause I just farted!
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
am updating my status just to let you know my status has no status
I wish these people who sing songs on the radio would learn the words to the song, they keep messing me up!!
How about a T.V. show that just explains the backstory on all of the “For External Use Only” warning labels.
When I die I want Charlie Sheen’s life to flash before my eyes.
I like it here because not only do I get to air out my dirty laundry, I get to see yours too.
How do Amish girls know if it`s a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular one #DeepThoughts
That weirdo that comes into bars and tries to sell roses would make a lot more money if he sold tacos.
Whenever I feel that someone is about to sneeze I yell “PIKA!” & they’re like “CHU!”. I don’t have any friends.
Sometimes in life, all you really need is a lot of money.