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The meek shall inherit the earth. Probably because they`re the only ones who won`t complain about what we`ve done to it.
My wife is pissed at me again. Apparently I`m breathing wrong.
You may think I`m dumb but you overestimate me.
Yesterday I jokingly asked my wife what she was burning for dinner. Turns out it was all my personal belongings.
I`m thankful for pizza and burgers... and ice cream and bacon and fries and... F*ck it, I`m thankful for food. I love you, food.
I went to buy condoms and the cashier just said "yeah right" and put em back on the shelf
My favorite drink is the fullest one on the table.
Today is national bring your flask to work day. I just made it up. Tell the others...
You know its going to be a b!tch of a day when you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
Teacher: Why are you late!? Me: There was a man who lost a $100 bill..Teacher: That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it? Me: No, I was standing on it until he f*cked off.
Shouldn`t the Air and Space museum be empty?
CANT TOUCH THIS!! Na na na na.
Facebook reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, `Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?`
Kids maybe a gift..... But I like playing with the box it came in.
Is it just me, or did anyone else wake up on the SEXY side of the bed this morning?