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I love how people say they`re "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.
I think all priuses are gay transformers living here on earth
Getting up in the morning is like writing an essay. You want to do it, it takes a lot of effort, and you usually quit halfway through.
We have GPS that can navigate you across the country. Why can`t someone invent a device that can remind you why you went into a room?
Just remember, every day is a gift from God. Well except for Monday.. Satan slips that one in. He’s a sneaky bastard.
The only thing I ever throwback on Thursdays are drinks
If you can afford a gym membership, you can afford deodorant.
You always remember your first Crush. Mine was Orange.
Whenever I meet a new girl, I introduce myself by shaking hands with my left hand. I don’t want her to meet her competition right away.
Today I caught myself smiling ... I was thinking of you ... Don´t flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
Sobriety is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.
If there is such thing as a fake noodle, does that make it an impasta?
I’m not in denial, I’m just selective about the reality I choose to accept :)
A woman just dropped a 20 dollar bill next to me. I thought, `What would Jesus do?`, so I turned it into wine ... Well, I bought wine.
Women fall in love by what they hear. Men fall in love by what they see. That’s why most women wear makeup and most men lie.