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I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "The Illuminaughty"
Why are you showing me pictures of your kid if you have a dog?
Walked into the kitchen for orange juice; walk out with sandwich, crackers, chocolate milk, and the TV remote I lost 30 minutes ago
If I throw a stick will you leave?
If you ever hear me say that I missed you it`s only because I have bad aim.
I`m about 0 for 300 in looking for safes behind wall paintings
Morning comes in 3 sizes: 1) Early. 2) Too early. 3) Way too early
Admit it. When you go to the zoo, the first thing you look at is the Camel`s foot.
Our neighbor said he wouldn`t mind me stealing their newspaper if I would at least put a robe on first.
How many “friend-zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they’ll just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw.
I dont mind going to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is bullsh*t
If you ring my door bell you better be the pizza guy or a sexy naked lady ... with a pizza.
One dog was admiring another dog`s leash, and said, "I admire your restraint."
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
My friend won a trip to China. He´s out there now... trying to win a trip back.