Daily Silly Status

I have decided to stop doing things "Like a Boss" and will now do things "Like a Rhinestone Cowboy."

Thanks to this huge spider web I just walked into, we can now add the neighbors to the list of people that have seen me naked.

Got my friend a Starbucks gift card. 2 weeks later I get a call. They said hey Dean, u put any money on this Starbucks gift card. I said no it´s a gift card. That´s the beauty of it u can put as much money on it as u want.

When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.

I got kicked out of the public swimming pool today. Apparently the `Breast Stroke` wasn`t what I thought it was.

If your girl sets her Facebook relationship status to “Widowed”, it’s time to pack a suitcase as fast as possible.

Dodgeball, but with random people who don`t know that they are playing..............

Diet Tip #63 : Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour.

I hate it when the little voices argue with my imaginary friends.

What idiot decided it should be my foot`s asleep instead of coma toes?

I`m getting tired of having to write "Sent from my iPhone" at the end of all my e-mails. Maybe I should just get an iPhone.

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

The problem with money is too much of it belongs to people who aren’t me.

I just realized we cook bacon and bake cookies, get it together English.

Good thing I`m judged on my actions and not my thoughts.