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Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re my bartender & you say "This guy looks like he needs another double vodka martini" then please do..
Pretty cool how the internet lets you stay connected with people you haven`t seen in years and silently judge them on a daily basis.
Autocorrect is a great feature, but it can also be your worst enema.
I really like it when women check me out, they seem to be able to work the register a lot better than men.
Ways to get to my heart: 1) food ... that’s pretty much it
Why am I always right but people still ignore me...?
loves poetry, long walks and poking dead things with a stick.
Somebody told me I`m horrible with names.
I hate it when I have guests at my house and they ask "Do you have a bathroom?" No, we poop in the yard.
My relationship is like an iPhone, I don`t have an iPhone.
Well, I’m bored again. Time to open the fridge
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
I like to say my kid handles funds for a multi-billion dollar corporation. It`s easier than saying he is a cashier at McDonald`s
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k … I don’t think I can run that far!
No one should be surprised that so many statuses are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Facebook by making good life decisions.