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I’ve made some mistakes I wish I could make again.
I’m beginning to believe that successful relationships come down to Netflix compatibility.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right? Eve: Uh yeah, totally
I hate when I’m about to hug someone really sexy and then my face hits the mirror.
I have a feeling my check liver light will come on this weekend
A lot of you lose your sh!t and have some pretty epic, public meltdowns. I just wanted to say thanks.
My wife was out of town, so I had to run the morning routine by myself today. I learned a lot. For example, apparently I have two kids.
I`m for driverless cars, but honestly, having to drive is the only thing standing in the way of me being a complete drunk piece of sh!t 24/7
All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or married.
No, an erection is not considered personal growth.
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
If someone says “you’re funny” instead of laughing, you’re not.
I have hit the age where sex and choosing the exact right size Tupperware for leftovers are equally satisfying...
I just want to point out that I am an Amazon Prime member so it`s about time you guys started treating me with a little respect.
I love Ebay. Sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month.