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I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible. But pissing off everyone is fun and easy.
Racism, sexism and homophobia make no sense when there are so many perfectly good stupid people to hate.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now.
When i am bored, i like parking along side the xpressway stick a hair dryer out the window, and watch everyone slam on their brakes.
Let`s go to my place and do the things I`ll tell everyone we did anyway.
u smile i smile u laugh i laugh u cry i`ll go get a bat and say who`s gonna get it
I`m at the age where an "all-nighter" just means I didn`t have to get up to pee.
Mo’ money, mo’ problems. This explains why I don’t have problems.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old. So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
If I`ve learned anything about picking up woman at the super market it`s to stay away from those in the tampon isle.
How do we know that all the ancient Greek sculptures aren`t just victims of Medusa?
"There`s strength in numbers" I whisper to my 9th slice of pizza.
I`ve started an exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button so many times.
Hangry: (noun) a state of anger caused by lack of food. May evoke negative change in emotional state. Translation -- Feed me or I`ll kill you.
My favorite thing to do on Facebook is to get in a long conversation with someone and then delete all my comments so they look crazy.