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I’ve never been in love but I imagine it’s similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Every time I use a public bathroom, I always wonder why so many people have Sharpies on them at all times.
The most terrifying thing a woman can say to me is "notice anything different?"
Funny how things change with time, I used to hate spankings...
I`d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we`re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser..
I think I`m approaching my "best if used by" date
You know you`re getting old when cops make you feel safe instead of nervous.
When will math grow up and start solving its own problems
The average man thinks about sex every tits seconds
Man I wanna throw a book at someones face and be like "I Facebooked you!"
The mechanic asked if I wanted my tires rotated and I was like, "No thanks, I`m pretty sure they do that all by themselves while I`m driving"
Adding “and sh!t” at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: “I was playing with my bubbles and sh!t.”
Batman had the bat signal. If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
if your dirty, your dirty... you cant fix it
Spank me once, shame on you. Spank me twice, now we`re getting somewhere.