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No thanks, alcohol free mouthwash, my life is depressing enough.
You know you are getting old when you see girls from TEEN category moved to MATURE & MILFS.
My email notification is a cricket sound that drives the wife crazy looking for the cricket. Winning!
I thought about going outside and doing something today but my Wi-Fi really doesn`t reach very far.
I`d rather spend 5 minutes reorganizing the dishwasher, than spend the 10 seconds it takes to wash the dish that doesn`t fit.
Googling ways to dispose of a body, mostly to freak out the douche behind me who keeps staring at my laptop screen
Iām an only child, and Iām still not the favorite.
Coaster? You`re assuming I plan to put my drink down...
I go on dates just to remind myself that being single is awesome.
Walmart is one store where it is truly acceptable to shop in your pajamas.
Me: *kisses her on both cheeks goodbye* Cashier: That`s really not necessary
Been there, done that. Hypothetically
Whoever said "nothing is impossible" never tried to nail JELL-O to a tree.
Interesting fact: Prior to the creation of hummus and ranch dressing nobody ate uncooked vegetables.
If by a blow job you mean blowing everything out of proportion then yes I totally rock at blow jobs.