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My New Year`s resolution is to spend more time wishing my enemies were dead.
When your girlfriend or wife says "lol have fun", do not have fun. Abort mission. I repeat. Abort mission.
Where do homeless people find all these sharpies?
To all my Facebook friends. Have a happy St. Patrick`s day, and all the festivities this weekend. Stay safe, enjoy life, and if you by chance happen to find a bartender who is bad at math...give me a call :)
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Yadot rorrim eht fo edis gnorw eht no pu ekow I. (I woke up on the wrong side of the mirror today.)
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with “According to the prophecy.”
If I look tired at the end of the day, it`s because I just spent eight solid hours looking busy.
that annoying manager who thinks they are god ... you are not ... you are a douche box
Just realized all books are different combinations of the same 26 letters. This is BS!
If you pour two beers into one glass, it becomes just one beer.
Why is it called Boob Sweat and not Humiditties?
Figuring out that you`ll probably never figure it out is the first step of really figuring things out.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
I`m tired of making the same mistakes over and over again. Does anyone have any new mistakes I can borrow?