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Love makes the world go `round, but alcohol makes it spin.
If I could only use one word to describe myself, it would probably be: "not good at following directions".
Just once I`d like someone to call me "sir" without having to add "you need to calm down or we`re going to have to ask you to leave"
I`m hosting a wine tasting event in my home. Well, it`s not really an event. It`s just me and three bottles of wine. No one else is invited.
Today I made sushi at home for the first time. I subsituted a hotdog for the raw tuna, a bun for the rice, and mustard for the wasabi!
If you can’t be an athlete, be an athletic supporter.
Why Am I Sober? - A Horror Story
None of my coworkers get why I have fishbowl with no fish. It`s because fish can`t survive in my secret reservoir of vodka.
I spend hours on Facebook and then think, “Well, that was pointless”
If you aren`t sure if you like someone, here`s a test: imagine they`re dead. Now, was it an accident or did you murder them?
Remind me why I work 40 hours a week to be this poor?
I thought "twerking" was short for "networking". I really embarrassed myself while giving that presentation to the company`s Board of Directors.
I haven`t gotten laid in so long, you`d swear I`ve been wearing Crocs all this time.
“Shit ton” is my favorite unit of measurement.
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you?