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Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.
Hey, if anyone needs help raising their kids, come talk to me. I`ve been one for 30 some years now.
You don`t have to like me, I`m not a Facebook status.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some sh!t.
Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as "that weird thing I did for a while."
I don`t like thinking before I say something. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
If there is enough room to spell `bootylicious` on the back of your shorts...it probably isn`t
"Thank God!!! They are finally taking these damn rubber bands off." -The last thing a lobster thinks.
I bet the guy that was looking forward to his next life and came back reincarnated as me is really disappointed.
Don’t bother looking up “impose.” It’s next to impossible.
Want someone to stop texting you? Sleep with them.
Of all the possible utensils that could have been invented to eat rice with... How did 2 sticks win out!?
Drinking Tip: Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!