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Never look back. That’s where all the monsters are.
It`s weird how we are all here because of boners
In light of recent events, I have no choice but to deduct a full star from my Yelp review of Earth.
I`m convinced some people got married just so they could gripe about being married...
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I`ve never been more scared of a drink in all my life.
I dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig. It`s not a beautiful poem, but it`s very deep.
What supermarket did the pilgrims visit to purchase their canned gelatin cranberry sauce? I want my Thanksgiving to be authentic.
When your parties have glasses instead of red cups, you’re a grown up.
why were you in my dreams again? i`m starting to think you`re stalking me.
Part of me says I can´t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, "Don´t listen to that guy. He´s drunk."
Thumbnail pics. Helping ugly people look hot until you click on them since 1995.
I don`t know what I would do without Facebook, but I`m sure it would be something more productive
Save some time and just put your Taco Bell directly in the toilet.
I tried to give a cute waitress my phone number by writing it on the credit card receipt but accidentally tipped her 9 billion dollars.
Based on my reaction to toast popping out of a toaster, I’d like to recommend you never throw me a surprise party.