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Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone
Of course it`s you. If it was me I wouldn`t even bring it up.
I bought a blowup doll today, but I won`t blow her up until tomorrow. I don`t want to seem desperate.
2 words, 1 finger.
It`s only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.
I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I`m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I`m talking about
I have never walked toward the exit of a supermarket without nervously wondering if I`ve stolen something.
Hey people who buy bottled water for their dogs, can I have some money?
My girlfriend left me because I`m a legend ... Or to quote her, `Arrogant`.
Oh, so you are thinking about me? I am also thinking about myself.....
Paying a homeless man to pee on your ex`s windshield, is just about the most fun you can have with 5 bucks.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after the 4th sneeze…get your self together
I`m that friend you have to explain to people before you introduce me... And apologize for after.
Just got rid of 150lbs of ugly fat ... Got divorced.