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My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. . . . well. . . she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
One of the first things they tell you in AA is to stop hanging around alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.
I don`t know who I feel more sorry for.. myself for never being able to find where I parked my car?.. or the poor bastards following me through the parking lot hoping to take my parking space...
Just saw the book "Marriage for Dummies." ... Shouldn`t there be an "is" in there somewhere?
I hate it when the movie trailer is better than the movie itself.
I`m not above slashing my own tires to avoid going to this family brunch.
drink beer ?? save water
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
The hay in baby Jesus`s manger came from Christian Bales.
I spend 800% of my life exaggerating.
I hate it when I see some old person and then realize that we went to school together
Driving isn’t even in the top 5 things I’m thinking about when I’m driving.
Babies dont have parents, they have staff.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT. - My dog, whenever I`m eating.