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To be truthful,,, I have never unrolled a sleeping bag and been able to roll it back up any smaller than the size of a garage.
Girls are like guitars: easy to strum, hard to tune
If others are jealous, you’re doing something right.
Nothing is more comical than seeing someone tiptoe with cheeks clenched hastily en route to a washroom to do #2.
Today I found a penny. It reminded me of you. Worthless & found in everybody`s pants.
Girls here`s how to tell if a guy wants you for sex - 1: He does
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny and thin. It`s a public service really.
I wonder who the first person was to look at a beehive and think, "those bastards are hiding something delicious in there, I know it!"
One of my favorite discoveries about adulthood is that there are literally no rules stopping you from eating an entire row of Oreos at once.
Boobs: Proof that men can pay attention to two things at once.
The first guy who persuaded a blind guy to wear sunglasses, must have been a hell of a salesman.
I`m laying on my yoga mat making up fake poses to fit my current activity level. Right now I`m in "downward facing chalk outline".
Been reading up on the thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
I broke up with my girlfriend by e-mail. I don`t know what upset her most, the fact that I did it by email or the fact that I cc`d my new girlfriend who wanted proof.