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"Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we`ll call you a liar." -insurance
I just got the results of my IQ test. It came back negative.
You see I, I´ve raise a toast to all of us. Who are breakin´ our backs everyday. If wantin´ the good life is such a crime. Lord, then put me away, yeah, here´s to you
Seeing a spider isn`t a problem. It becomes a problem when the spider disappears.
I should be able to take a sick day if I am sick of the people I work with.
Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we`re hopeful.
Beer doesn’t have that many vitamins in it…that’s why you have to drink a lot.
Going to write hasbro a nasty letter!!! The monopoly get out of jail free card doesn`t work...since I`m texting you can you come bail me out?
Why do I get the feeling that a lot of adults nowadays who ask kids "What do you want to be when you grow up?" are just trying to come up with some ideas?
This recliner and I go way back.
Give a man a fish and he`ll go to McDonald`s instead. Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald`s
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there`s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
At night I dump massive amounts of Legos on the floor in case anyone tries to rob my house bare footed.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Multitasking (verb) - Screwing up several things at once.