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While everyone may not speak the same language, we all know what time McDonald’s stops serving breakfast.
If you don`t know where you are going, any road will get you there.
3yo just yelled "face-five!" & slapped his brother in the face. I`m totally using that at work tomorrow.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I`m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Common sense is like deodorant; those that need it most, don’t use it.
FACT: If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
Hey, I found your nose. It was in my business.
Waldo wears stripes because he doesn`t want to be spotted !
20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please dont let Kevin Bacon die!
God knew that there would be times that a single middle finger wouldn`t be enough.
If cats could talk, they`d probably always be correcting your grammar.
Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!
You know what’s funny? Lots of sh!t so lighten the f*ck up.
I really like this new reality show "Neighbor Without Drapes"
Tried to donate blood today but they had too many questions about where I got it.