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I always shout "PIZZA`S HERE" so the delivery guy doesn`t think I`m eating two pizzas by myself.
I hate it when I walk through a metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off.
Mondays should start at noon.
Guys, want to find out all of your flaws in under a minute? Just ask your girlfriend if she`s gained weight.
Roman Numerals...what are they good IV?
So far today has been a pretty good day...I haven`t had to bite or hit anyone, yet!!
Admit it...Life yould be boring without me.
I checked my calendar, and I won`t give a f*ck tomorrow either.
I put a bumper sticker that says "Honk if You Think I`m Sexy" on my car. Then I wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
I`m fat, but I blame my dog for not exercising me enough.
11th Commandment: Thou shall not gossip about other people’s lives when you are not doing any better yourself.
Be careful who you call friends. I`d rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies.
I hate being bi-polar. It`s awesome.
If you are going to write in the dust on my car, please dont date it
After reading some marriage post, I`m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.