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Insomnia is very common. Try not to lose any sleep over it.
Try sliding down a water slide without running water to realize how important foreplay is
They say in the near future computers will become more intelligent than people, really, the near future? I walk down the street and see girls who struggle with the difference between orange and tanned, guys who have no idea how a belt works, and all of them with less language skills then the average trained chimp. Computers? Hell I’ve got an alarm clock that’s smarter than most of them right now.
I`m at the "what can I make with green beans and cake mix" stage of needing groceries
You may think I`m dumb but you overestimate me.
Step 1: Remove food from packaging. Step 2: Throw out packaging Step. 3: Dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time, Repeat steps 2 & 3 as necessary
Just used the holiday card with your kid`s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
God created the world in 7 days but took 9 months to create me. So clearly I’m a big deal...
I`m in my 30`s, but I still feel like I`m in my 20`s until I hang out with people in their 20`s and I`m like, "nope, I`m in my 30`s"
I love myself everyday. Sometimes, twice a day.
It’s only Wednesday and I’m 95% done with this week.
TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.
Farts are like children. I`m proud of mine and disgusted by yours.
I put on real clothes today. What more do you want from me?
Reasons I check my voicemail: 1% to hear the message. 99% to get rid of that annoying icon.