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Where do homeless people find all these sharpies?
Holiday Shopping Tip #112:Next time you see someone with their arms full of bags looking around a parking lot while pointing and clicking their horn button, help them out and start pushing your horn button too!
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5`9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
A sign on the wall of the drug store said, "Ask the pharmacist if you have questions." How would the pharmacist know if I have questions?
I love it when the person’s laugh is funnier than the actual joke.
I work out ... Just kidding, I take naps.
Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity........thats how rich I want to be.
i hope your life is as long and useful as this roll of toilet paper!!!
The downside of dating intelligent women is having to Google what they call you when it ends badly
When I get in an elevator, before I press a button I look at everyone inside and say “Are you ready to take this sh!t to a whole new level?”
NO, I didn’t say you WERE stupid. I said, you ARE stupid. There is nothing past tense about it.
The Wizard of Oz is the ultimate chick flick. It`s about two women trying to kill each other over shoes.
Congratulation! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air! Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.
I just want to alternate between napping and eating all day everyday while getting attention, so basically I just wish I were a dog.
There`s actually a website designed to simulate what it`s like to be the sole survivor of a nuclear holocaust, it`s called MySpace.