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I can`t wait to get one of those self-driving cars to watch my wife argue with it.
Weird when someone vanishes from your Facebook feed for 3 years then suddenly reemerges with the results of a "Which Muppet Are You?" quiz.
"No comment" - said no woman, ever
Wanted: Someone to hand feed me Cheetos so my fingers don`t get orange..... P.S. No weirdos.
Went to the bookstore to pick up a "Where`s Waldo" book today, but couldn`t find any. Well played Waldo, well played...
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
I`m confused, oh wait, maybe I`m not.
I`m a wealth of knowledge ... Unless you want it to be true, then I`m pretty solid on about 6 topics ... 2 of those might just be Doritos flavors
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That`s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Don`t forget to turn your clocks back today if you want them to be set to the wrong time.
Ghetto wet floor sign: Caution Bitches Be Trippin
"Are you even listening to me?" is a weird way for my girlfriend to start a conversation.
Be nice to me ... I may be hot one day.
I accidentally did yoga once when I couldn`t reach the toilet paper.
Apparently asking girl scouts which cookie pairs nicely with whiskey is inappropriate....