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My girlfriend said she wasn`t impressed and felt she needed a man with at least 6 inches. So I folded it in half.
Just for fun, next time you see a snooty, rich woman at the grocery store, ask her if she works there.
I need coffee in my life more than I need most people.
Boy if these walls could talk I`d be like "HOLY SH!T TALKING WALLS"
At Starbucks drive up window. Me: large iced chai please Them: you mean a venti? Me: large iced chai. Them: we call a large a venti. Me: Do you want a large tip or a venti tip? Them: large iced chai, please pull up.
A "Lifetime Movie" describes how long it felt when you were watching it.
The reason grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup are such a great combination is because they are the same basic ingredients as pizza.
Since 4th of July falls on a Wednesday do we drink the weekend before? the weekend after? That Wednesday? The entire week? The entire month? The entire year?
Hey babe, go to Google Earth, zoom in on your house. See that blue cap in the bushes? Hi!
You can usually judge a women`s hotness by how many times your girlfriend calls her a whore.
The realization that Netflix knows me better than my closest friends....
People born in 1994-1999 have lived in three decades, two centuries, and two millenniums. & they are not even 18 yet.
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34D.
I want my children to have all the things I never had so then I can move in with them.
I`ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants. Feefiphobia.