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You know something bad is about to happen when someone says "Hold my beer and watch this."
If I had a nickel for everytime I told myself I`d quit smoking, I could buy a lot more cigarettes
I hate people that don’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re”. Their so stupid…….
When Life Gives You Lemons Don`t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don`t want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?! Demand to see life`s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I`m the man who`s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I`m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night... In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… I just suck at fishing.
Shall I compare thee to a Summer`s Eve? For thou art a douche.
If you`ve Liked more than 15 of my posts over the past year, I assume you`re okay with me putting you down as a personal reference on this job application, k?
I`m "got my sexual education from a 2 Live Crew cassette tape" years old.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Unless you fell on the treadmill, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
I’ve finally decided to do something about my weight ... Lie.
Fun Fact: You can win all arguments with your man by putting on yoga pants and walking away.
One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.