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I don`t hit the "Like" button on my own statuses because I am self-centered, it`s just that I amaze myself sometimes and I want to show my appreciation!!!!!!
Showed my daughter an MRE. The package said "Peelable Seal". She said I`m not eating no seal.
I feel like water solves all problems. Wanna lose weight? drink water .. clear face ? Drink water.. Tired of your better half? Drown them
Don´t worry ... It only seems kinky the first time.
That awkward moment when you gently toss your phone on the bed and it bounces off 3 walls, breaks 2 lamps and kills a cat...
The weekend is just a bittersweet memory.... I won`t cry because it`s over, I`ll smile because for a few miles they believed I was the real bus driver.
I don’t write children’s books because the last page would always say: "Now shut up and go to sleep."
I feel like I am losing my mind !!! But as long as I can keep the bit that tells me when to pee, I should be OK !!
"I want to marry a smart, rich, and beautiful woman. But I don`t feel like getting married 3 times." - Hesam Ebrahim
This century is already 15% over.
The ultimate home security system is just having crappy stuff.
The race to get Dad a Christmas present usually ends in a tie.
Being a woman should count as a pre-existing mental condition.
Subway only exists because we`re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together. "Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here`s $8."
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.