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I`m thinking of changing my voicemail to the following: "If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me."
If you think you aren`t creative, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
When my boss says, "women of a certain age" then looks at me, it`s ok to stab her with a letter opener, right?
The person that named the eggplant probably isn’t allowed to name things anymore.
If I’ve learned anything in my twenty-two years on this earth, it’s that it’s okay to lie about your age.
Ok, I admit. Everything that`s wrong in your life is your fault.
I wonder if there are birds that prefer not to sing in the morning and that just roll around in their nests until noon.
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I’ve done in my entire life.
F is for friends who do stuff without you.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
If you emphasize the ‘po’ in police they’re probably already after you.
When reality kicks in… add more booze.
That awkward moment when your trapped in the corner of your shower because the hot water ran out.