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If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she`s practising for her next selfie
Nothing is more comical than seeing someone tiptoe with cheeks clenched hastily en route to a washroom to do #2.
You should be able to park in an “expecting mother” parking space if you’re waiting for your mom.
I`m a wealth of knowledge ... Unless you want it to be true, then I`m pretty solid on about 6 topics ... 2 of those might just be Doritos flavors
I`ve never been skydiving, but I`ve zoomed in on Google Earth really, really fast.
I won the Twister contest hands-down.
Girls are like roads, the more curves, the more dangerous they are.
If money cant buy happiness,explain beer!
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet. If you don`t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
If Starbucks delivered, I would be a morning person.
Facebook should just change it`s name to "People You May Want to Avoid."
If I dont clean my house soon. They are gonna bring in blindfolded people to do a Febreze commercial
I used to think I was overreacting. Now I realize it was a normal reaction to an abnormal amount of bullsh!t.
Today`s the day I like to sneak onto the intercom at Walmart and say "would Jason Voorhees please report to aisle 13."
Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I`m just cooking!"