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Whoever lost a bundle of $20 bills tied up in a rubber band..I found the rubber band..
Pizza is my favorite winter activity
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one.
Whew! Thank you warning label I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.
Don`t judge me for things I did a few seconds ago, I`ve changed since then.
They say that money talks, but mine just waves goodbye.
You know when I was younger I was under the impression that quick sand was going to be a serious issue in life...
Given how enormous the universe is, I assume there’s an alien out there who does a mocking impression of me. Screw you, alien.
I can catch a speeding bullet- only once.
Neighbors at it again. I do NOT want to know the words to "Wrecking Ball" by Miley Cyrus!
Of all the people who "claim" not to give a sh!t, I`m pretty sure the guy standing barefoot in front of the urinal at the gym is the winner.
Learned a lesson from my dog tonight ... No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that sh1t and move on.
None of us have it as bad as the porcupine giving birth to another porcupine.
Chuck E Cheese: Because it`s never too early to introduce your children to gambling and bad nutrition.
I`m pretty sober, but I`m prettier drunk.