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If you think you aren`t creative, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.
Ain’t no sandwich when she’s gone.
Have some fun with your life...call in sick to places you dont even work at.
People who try to test my patience don`t realize it`s an exam I don`t plan on passing
Lottery gives you a 1 in 200M chance of skipping work tomorrow...alcohol is 1 in 5. You play your game...I`ll play mine
Whenever someone tries to get too friendly with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to remind them of where we stand.
Do you ever think about sh!t you did in the past and just go why the f*ck did nobody punch me in the face?
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a regular pigeon.
I think I have an urge to get up and clean the house. Wait...no, false alarm.
The color 9 is my favorite letter.
Having a mohawk used to mean you were tough. Now it means you’re a 3 year-old with annoying parents.
I hate it when someone turns the light on while I`m sleeping and I`m like O_-
I bought 2 fish and named one, “one” and the other “two”, so when “one” dies I will still have “two”.
I finally overcame my fear of skinny dipping. Unfortunately it cost me my YMCA membership.
The Drug Store cashier asked me how im doing as I put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. "Not great man, I`ve got diarrhea" I told him.