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Some days your the bug; some days your the windshield.
Some days I’d like to take a chainsaw and cut a few branches off my family tree.
I don’t hate you, I’m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
I saw the most beautiful painting at the store the other day … but then I realized it was a mirror.
People who get offended on the internet are the same people that take mini golf seriously.
Nothing changes a Facebook relationship status faster than a weekend full of tagged photos!
My friends and I played fantasy football in high-school. No league, we just constantly thought about the cheerleaders.
Holding up score cards during sex is not acceptable, apparently.
Come on snooze button, is 9 minutes all you have to offer...I need something in the 2-3 hour range.
When i see a person hailing a cab, i run quickly by them and slap them a high five just to boost their enthusiasm!
4/20? More like 1/5. Stupid stoners forgot how to reduce their fractions.
Not everything on CNN is fake news. Some of it is commercials.
GOOGLE must be a woman because it knows everything.
Right now a FedEx driver is dropkicking your Christmas gift onto someone’s front porch.
I`ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.