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Change of plans everyone: NOBODY Wang Chung tonight.
Have some fun with your life...call in sick to places you dont even work at.
A wise man, will often say nothing
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%…unless you’re donating blood…
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
The hardest part of being a gentleman is going to all of these gentlemen’s clubs.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it`s a good thing I never had kids. Or did I?
A good example of mixed emotions would be finding a hundred dollar bill nailed to your tire.
I’m glad we can’t smell each other through the internet.
Never piss off a woman on her period...scratch that...Never piss off a woman, period.
“Don’t make me regret this.” -things I think when accepting a friend request.
I like how the nice people of Sesame Street all know that Oscar the Grouch lives in that can, and yet they still stuff their trash into it.
Sometimes I wonder if I could get away with murder, but then I remember I can’t even eat pancakes without getting syrup all over me.
Sometimes saying "F*ck it" is the best decision.
I don`t understand interventions. What`s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?