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Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have booze and snacks in your purse.
When the cashier asks "How`s your day going?" I reply "I`m buying 3 bottles of wine, it`s clearly only getting better."
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me.
There are many different ways one can save energy, but my favorite by far is this recliner.
I smoked weed once and realized spoons are just little bowls on sticks
Got bored today so I dressed up in tan pants and a blue shirt then went into Best Buy and quit.
Your mobile phone has more computing power than all of NASA in 1969. NASA launched a man to the moon. ...We launch a bird into pigs!
I`ll decide whether it`s a compliment or sexual harassment.
Raising teenagers is easy, they sleep 16 hours day, eat the other 8, and the only word in their vocab is "ok"
If anyone has ever told you that you snore, just know that person has very carefully weighed the pros and cons of letting you live.
My husband and I are having a serious fight. Do you think I should let him know about it?
These spaghetti-o`s taste like I don`t get paid until tomorrow.
Sometimes at the gym I`ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I`ll get my shorts on.
Don`t call me names, you don`t know enough words to describe me
If you play my workday backwards, it`s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.