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Don`t exercise ... fat people are harder to kidnap
Often I convince myself I enjoy the company of other humans. Then I spend time with them and remember I don`t.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores? Same. But I`m in a liquor store.
Relax… We’re all crazy.. It’s not a competition.
Some mornings it`s best just to fill the sink with coffee, dunk you head in, and suck.
Don`t play dumb with me. That`s a game you can`t win.
My wife’s cooking brings a whole new meaning to.. eat sh!t and die.
I’m a pervert, but in a romantic way.
I hate being bi-polar. It`s awesome.
I`m pretty sure if you watched a movie of my life backwards it probably would be about a guy who refills beer cans and puts them in the fridge.
The only time I listen to a woman giving directions is when I use my GPS.
My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.
It`s weird how many people at my office are named "Hey."
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the f*ck down. -Bfanch
Most hated song in jail: "Bad Boys, Bad Boys, whatcha gonna do when they come for you"......